Meeting birth parents - how often does it work out?

Once they become adults what motivates former adopted or fostered children to seek out their Birth Parents? I read that for a minority getting to know their birth parents can be a rewarding, even healing, experience but for others finding out why adoption or fostering was needed sometimes reveals things previously left a secret to protect the young person.

What harm happens if the biological mother, father or family does not want to meet the young adult?


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James

It is different with the child being fostered as ongoing contact with Birthparents is promoted.
I have looked after children who have been with me for years and then gravitated back towards their bp's during teenage years either by their wishes or being manipulated by bp's only to be completely let down by them I suppose as a fostercarer or adopter it is important to support the child and be there to pick up the peices.
I think research suggests if the child/yp is given all information they are less likely to seek out thier Bp's.
I have found being honest with the child/yp is the most important and if the Bp's don't want to meet them to support them with this decision.

Ella and I will add our thought later but not on Valentine's Day - it would spoil the mood!

Love from Eve XXXX

When we were living in the Childrens’ Home both Ella and I had a dream that perhaps one day we would be able to have a normal family life with loving parents. It never happened for us and we don't remember it happening for any of our friends from the Home either.

I currently do have some contact with my birth parents but it both rather strained and rather strange. My Mum attended my wedding without telling me and she isn’t on any of the official photos. My Dad played golf instead which shows how important I was (I am?) to him. I can cope with the current situation but it is far from ideal.

Ella, as regular readers will know, has had a dreadful time with her Dad (known as Nut Job) and has been disinherited (again!) by him. Both parents did attend her wedding but played no significant role and made no real financial contribution to the event. With hindsight Ella thinks that getting back in contact with her birth parents was a mistake.

Love from Eve XXXX

I suspect that it differs widely from person to person.

Motivations - I expect that this depends on whether a person was removed or placed, and why this happened, and how old they were, and how old they were, and whether there'd been contact pre- or throughout the adoption. Also on individual personality.

For me, I lived with my birth family until I was already at school, and right up to age 11 had weekly contact. Once all contact was broken off at adoption, I would have sought my bmum out at 18 if she hadn't died before then. It would have been a natural thing to do - I knew her. I don't mean in terms of a rejection of my adoptive family, but just in terms of meeting someone I loved and had grown up with.

Where people don't know who their biological parents are I think that natural curiosity can probably play a part. However, I have two American friends (men) who were adopted at birth and neither of them are interested - although I know I'd be.

Does it ever work out? I can't tell you because I never got the opportunity. However, reunioning with my wider birth family and with siblings I was separated from has been fine. It's a case-by-case thing. But I think it's natural curiosity to want to know where you're from. And I think that the effects of meeting up and how successful it is probably depends on the sort of people the adopted person and birth parents are, and the place they are in their lives when they meet up again (in terms of removed children, whether they've got things together by then etc).

I think that if a birth parent or member doesn't want to meet an adopted person I expect that could evoke feelings of rejection - probably more so if it's the biological mother. And maybe even more so if the person was relinquished? However I have no idea about these things. But I think it's a case-by-case thing. I think that everyone's experiences of adoption and fostering are so different that it's hard to make generalisations.

my friend bm found her after 30yrs .we all thought great a bit of a puzzle to put in place.

what a night mare.all bm went on about was her precious daughterwho she had after my friend.ddint give friend any info about her bf. then insisted friend call her mum.NO WAY .

it realy hurt my friend and made her feel worthless all over again.it was the worst thing to have happened to her.

Meeting my birth parents did work out to a certain extent but whenever I tell them about things I have done they always tell me my sister and brother have done the same. In fact my sister and brother who were born after my parents married are portrayed to be so perfect. I find this very upsetting as they both had a better chance in life than I did. My adopted parents were working class and couldn't afford the things my siblings benefited from. They also didn't understand why I liked things and wanted to do things that they didn't. I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you. I expect I sound like a spoilt child but unless you have been adopted yourself it is probably difficult to understand. It is hard being an adopted child especially being brought up in the 50's and 60's I hope it is better for children being brought up now.

It must be so strange having a brother and sister who had a "normal" upbringing when you were adopted yourself. Strange as well for them and for your birth parents but your situation must always feel very hard for you to deal with.

One very valuable lesson I have picked up from this group is adoped, fostered and Childrens Home children often carry some of the scars of their childhood and teenager experiences into their adult life.

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James

It's heartbreaking to hear that finding a birth parent is not always the joyous reunion that you are hoping for when you set out.
Sometimes it's just enough to know the facts of knowing who your parents are, but there is frequently the desire to be part of your "other family" which can cause so much distress if it doesn't live up to your expectations.
I have helped many people to trace their missing families and will continue to do so, even though some say it isn't always advisable. I firmly believe it is better to know and deal with the consequences rather than spend your life not knowing.

I wish anybody looking for missing family the best of luck. x

My BM and BF are getting divorced. Each using gaphic details of my abuse against the other. They don't care how much it hurts me. They just want to hurt the other. I should never have got back in touch.

Love from Ella xxx

EveandElla2 wrote:My BM and BF are getting divorced. Each using gaphic details of my abuse against the other. They don't care how much it hurts me. They just want to hurt the other. I should never have got back in touch.

Love from Ella xxx

I still think you might benefit from expert legal advice.

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James